Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening