A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The first matador
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*