I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.