*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
You Might Also Like
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
just witnessed a drug deal
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱