Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
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Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Accurate
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
We’ve all been there…
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.