Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
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[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh