Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Finally
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.