[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My love language is hissing.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?