I have many caverns
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!