My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Optional boss fight.