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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.