No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood