Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Very good! 👍😂
Trying
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”