words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
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[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it