My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
You Might Also Like
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The days of good grammer has went
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?