Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
guys i’ve cracked the code
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.