After how many years should you clean your microwave?
You Might Also Like
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok