If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
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Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.