[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
fr
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die