What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.