WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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What’s a Messi?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Donkey Kong sommelier
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.