my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.