They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.