“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
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I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
this article brought to you by lions
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
I would move hell over six inches for you
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.