Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
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No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Husband of the year 😂
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
checking out some reviews of my local library
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single