i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.