Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
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8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.