every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.