As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
You Might Also Like
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.