None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.