i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
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It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me in tagged photos
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…