ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*