I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.