Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
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bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
hmmm
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Husband of the year 😂
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a