Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!