I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
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PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
When he asks for feet pics