My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Hamburger Hinderer.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.