them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
This is a whole mood;
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row