what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here