[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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Catering service
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.