Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.