*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
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ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
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16
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.