Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
January is lasting longer than my marriage
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested