can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
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recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
#parenting
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
are there any atheist mantises?
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac