[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
You Might Also Like
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell