Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?