This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
ok this is my dumbest yet
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel