ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
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I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die