a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.