The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
You Might Also Like
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?